Beer Heaven looks like a pretty square joint

The new Miller Lite advertising campaign about "beer heaven" is a complete joke. I understand that companies advertising their products are going to try to promote their particular brand as the best available. But the sheer arrogance of Miller Lite saying, not only is Miller Lite the sole available choice in beer heaven, but no one who drinks beer would or should ever even want a different kind of beer than a light, American style lager. That's making a judgment statement on me that I don't appreciate. It's screwing over a lot of beer aficionados who actually have broader tastes in beer than Miller Lite, which is a classy one step up from PBR, Miller High Life, and Old Style. And, to be fair, I'll take any of the three of those before Miller Lite on a given night of debauchery if only for the fifty cents it will save me.

In Beer Heaven, it's way too well lit and everyone is dressed super fancy.
It looks like the VIP room to an incredibly pompous chic club. (One of those clubs that is so fancy that the bartender can just wear a ratty t-shirt because that's how cool they are.)
The kind of club that you have to wait in line for 45 minutes unless you get lucky enough where one of the girls that's in the group either in front or behind you (because you sure haven't brought any girls) has low enough self esteem to blow the doorman so you can slide in pretending that you know her. And then God forbid you're wearing jeans or sneakers, because then the 45 minute wait was for no reason as the 'roided up bouncer with both mommy and daddy issues will tell you in no uncertain words to go home. The only uncertainty in it is trying to decipher the monosyllabic barely comprehensible grunting coming from his caveman-like lips that seem to always be approaching a slack jawed drooling. Once you finally get past that step you get to pay the $20 cover to the cashier girl who is probably the most attractive female you will see all night anyways. Once you're in, the oontzy headache forming music from the DJ who has more coke in his system than Brian Urlacher after coming out of the locker room for the second half and the seizure inducing strobe lights will serve to so completely disorient you that you'll need some seven dollar beers in your system just to feel like your life has purpose again.

In conclusion, beer heaven sucks. And while the bottles may never break, the bar stool may recline, and the pristine conditions of the bar in the commercial can seem appealing, if Miller Lite is all that is offered in Beer Heaven, I'll gladly ride my one way ticket to beer hell where I'm actually afforded a choice.

Beer Hell:

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