Long ago a great war descended from the heavens, where bitter forgotten gods attempted a final cataclysmic culling of humanity. Torrential rains destroyed entire fields of crops, leading to widespread famine and forming floods that ravaged the countryside, and pestilence swept through the panicked populace. Four men courageously took a stand, defying the ancient gods that had condemned humanity to annihilation, and banished them from our mortal realm. Our world is their legacy, given freely by the four heroes after vanquishing the proud archaic gods. This is the legend of Verona Red.
The elder gods were cruel and despotic beings, demanding complete obeisance from their subjects. Human and animal sacrifices, exorbitant offerings and humble prayers were exacted from the cowering masses as the price for the creation of this world and the wonders within it. At one time, the gods had lived harmoniously with each other for eons numbering beyond the bounds of human comprehension. As an attempt to alleviate the monotony that perforce accompanies immortality, the gods began to create, and this was done on the canvas that became our world. One created the land, and the other gods marvelled at the elegance of the landscape. One created the sea, and they marvelled at its beauty and majesty. The forests, rivers, mountains, valleys and all manner of physical landmarks were made and each one was received with wonder and awe. From this came pride, and from pride came envy and spite.
In an effort to prove himself of higher worth than those around him, a god named Veronus created living beings to roam the earth which had been so meticulously crafted. The first creatures were small organisms but the praise given to Veros was so extravagant that he kept forming more complex creatures until he reached the peak of his abilities by creating the first humans. But he was so enamored with his own creation and ability that all the adulation given to him by the other gods was insufficient to appease his ego. He did something that he had not done with any of his other creatures - he gave them consciousness. After gifting them thusly, he descended from the heavens to the fear and dismay of humanity. Veronus told the assembly that they never need fear so long as they worship him absolutely and show due reverence. The other gods soon began interfering with this new world as well, the creator of the seas sinking ships, the creator of the pastures destroying crops until proper worship was given to the entire pantheon of gods that created the various aspects of the earth.
After centuries of worship out of fear, the gods began to become apathetic with their relationship to mankind. They seemed to view the centuries of worship as a vaguely amusing but ultimately trifling experience. Once their more direct influence on humans began to wane, temples fell into disrepair, rituals used to propitiate the gods were abandoned, and humanity began a more secular existence.
Veronus, however, had never viewed his relationship as creator and ultimate master over man as a dalliance. When the temples fell, he was wroth and his violent nature reminded the rest of the pantheon of their fall from grace in the eyes, minds and spirits of their followers. They acknowledged Veronus as their superior, their leader, and he began to foment dark thoughts of vengeance and injured pride within his subordinates. The gods inexorably worked themselves into a fervor, decrying the unrighteous faithlessness that had settled over humanity. And in their vengeful anger when these malevolent perceptions stirred their turbulent natures, they one and all deemed mankind unworthy of their beneficent creations and forthwith sentenced man to his doom.
A doom that, but for the courage of four strangers, each heroes of their own lands, but whose strength combined proved to overmatch even Veronus and the lesser gods, would have surely claimed the lives and souls of every member of the human race and destroyed the very world the gods had created in their fury.
To be continued... eventually
5.12.2008
4.30.2008
Verona Red Announces Upcoming National Television Spot
Recently Verona Red has released information that they are working on the details of an agreement with a national television commercial advertising agency to provide a song for one of the largest Herpes cream lines in America. This is a big step for Verona Red as it will give them national exposure and a proud highlight on their burgeoning resume. It comes at a perfect time, as the band has a bit more free time following some intense months in the studio recording their soon to be released and as of yet untitled album.
I sat down with frontman Chris Balzer to ask him about the band's newest gig:
ME: First of all, congratulations on the deal. You guys must be really excited about the national exposure this will get you.
CHRIS: Yeah. I mean, I guess. We're trying to work some kind of deal where the commercial is presented as a sort of music video, you know, about herpes, so that the band's name will actually appear on it. Otherwise, it's just a few easy bucks and that's about it. I don't know how many people would actually investigate a herpes website to find the band playing the soundtrack to it. Imagine a network security tech guy finding that website in an employee's internet history.
ME: Speaking of money, how much is this going to contribute to the band fund?
CB: We're still working on those details. Since we don't have an agent, and since unfortunately Taz decided he was the best negotiator in the band, it looks like we're going to mostly get paid in herpes cream.
ME: I see. Well I suppose that could come in handy...
CB: All things considered, it might work out in the long run. I mean, our goal IS to become rock stars, so while on tour, herpes might end up being a big concern.
ME: Yeah, one in five American adults from what I hear.
CB: Really? That much? That means between the band and you, one of us probably has it by now.
ME: Well, let's just say that if those statistics are exact, I think the band is safe. Er, anyways... What exactly is the format of the commercial?
CB: Well, you know how most herpes commercials have a guy, and a girl, and they're completely in love, despite the fact that one of them has herpes? Sunny day, swinging in the meadows, all the nonsense, and there's sappy orchestral music in the background really romanticizing the whole thing. Well, this new brand that's coming out decided to put a more realistic spin on the whole thing and have a more rock and roll attitude about it. You know, going out to some dive bar, getting nice and plastered, and making some bad decisions. Bad decisions that lead to a life-long battle with "the herp".
ME: Any lyrics you could part with?
CB: Contractually, no. But let me tell you, it's a pain in the ass trying to rhyme anything with herpes. The only thing we could come up with was Slurpees, so they kinda had to work in a 7-11 scene.
ME: A nice little corporate co-advertising campaign. The new herpes cream, sold nationwide at 7-11.
CB: Yeah, that's about right.
ME: All right, Chris. I'll let you go start working on making the new investment worthwhile. May I suggest a few nights across from your apartment at Stadium West?
CB: Well, I've been in there on two occasions and sat on two different barstools. Chances are the first outbreak will be popping out soon.
ME: Lovely. Thanks.
The commercial is set to wrap shooting next week. It should be ready to hit the air sometime late this summer, so keep your eyes and ears open, and stay in your chairs during commercial breaks because soon the dulcet tones of Chris Balzer and Verona Red will be on a Herpes commercial near you.
I sat down with frontman Chris Balzer to ask him about the band's newest gig:
ME: First of all, congratulations on the deal. You guys must be really excited about the national exposure this will get you.
CHRIS: Yeah. I mean, I guess. We're trying to work some kind of deal where the commercial is presented as a sort of music video, you know, about herpes, so that the band's name will actually appear on it. Otherwise, it's just a few easy bucks and that's about it. I don't know how many people would actually investigate a herpes website to find the band playing the soundtrack to it. Imagine a network security tech guy finding that website in an employee's internet history.
ME: Speaking of money, how much is this going to contribute to the band fund?
CB: We're still working on those details. Since we don't have an agent, and since unfortunately Taz decided he was the best negotiator in the band, it looks like we're going to mostly get paid in herpes cream.
ME: I see. Well I suppose that could come in handy...
CB: All things considered, it might work out in the long run. I mean, our goal IS to become rock stars, so while on tour, herpes might end up being a big concern.
ME: Yeah, one in five American adults from what I hear.
CB: Really? That much? That means between the band and you, one of us probably has it by now.
ME: Well, let's just say that if those statistics are exact, I think the band is safe. Er, anyways... What exactly is the format of the commercial?
CB: Well, you know how most herpes commercials have a guy, and a girl, and they're completely in love, despite the fact that one of them has herpes? Sunny day, swinging in the meadows, all the nonsense, and there's sappy orchestral music in the background really romanticizing the whole thing. Well, this new brand that's coming out decided to put a more realistic spin on the whole thing and have a more rock and roll attitude about it. You know, going out to some dive bar, getting nice and plastered, and making some bad decisions. Bad decisions that lead to a life-long battle with "the herp".
ME: Any lyrics you could part with?
CB: Contractually, no. But let me tell you, it's a pain in the ass trying to rhyme anything with herpes. The only thing we could come up with was Slurpees, so they kinda had to work in a 7-11 scene.
ME: A nice little corporate co-advertising campaign. The new herpes cream, sold nationwide at 7-11.
CB: Yeah, that's about right.
ME: All right, Chris. I'll let you go start working on making the new investment worthwhile. May I suggest a few nights across from your apartment at Stadium West?
CB: Well, I've been in there on two occasions and sat on two different barstools. Chances are the first outbreak will be popping out soon.
ME: Lovely. Thanks.
The commercial is set to wrap shooting next week. It should be ready to hit the air sometime late this summer, so keep your eyes and ears open, and stay in your chairs during commercial breaks because soon the dulcet tones of Chris Balzer and Verona Red will be on a Herpes commercial near you.
3.24.2008
New Colors
Welcome to the new and improved Verona Red blog site color scheme! Now more Verona Red-ey than ever before. Hopefully now the color scheme won't make anyone reading the blog suicidally depressed. We'll leave that to the content.
On Saturday night a great debate raged at Verona Red headquarters; how shall we celebrate this Easter Eve, the anniversary of the night before your Lord and mine, Jesus Christ, miraculously rose from the dead, generally creeping a lot of people out and paving the way for Verona Red, some of the great sinners of our time, to redeem their souls? Where exactly should we get drunk? After making all the requisite calls starting with people we actually wanted to see and finishing with the dregs of our cell phone lists the realization hit that most people weren't around and were in fact inexplicably (and inexcusably) spending this holiest of weekends with their families. If this night was going to be salvaged it was going to be through hard work and determination, which is just about the time that Chris suggested Stadium West.
Stadium West is a little dive bar in the less fashionable part of Avondale, only a few short steps from the Verona Red cave. It has one pool table, is lit entirely by strung up icicle lights, and the men's bathroom smells pleasantly of sandalwood and a hint of lavender. It is reputed by and large to be a hot ticket for cougars and biker chicks. And so we went with high hopes and a dream to penetrate ladies significantly past their prime and hopefully not get penetrated ourselves by the male biker counterparts that were clearly so unable to satisfy their needs. The first step in the door saw an end to that dream. The Asian lady bartender was over on the far side of the bar, chatting it up with the three patrons of the establishment (four if you include the pregnant Jack Russell terrier who seemed to be a bit drunk herself). A warm greeting there was not, homegrown local talent though we were, and we settled ourselves at the opposite end of the bar. We were close enough to the door to run in case the two beefy men decided we were too much competition to attract the attention of the slurring used-up woman who owned the dog and leave them with nothing but each other and a potentially lifestyle changing series of bad decisions. As we were hastily finishing our drinks, the phone call that salvaged the night was received and we were off to Merkle's .... and it is a sad sad night when the prospect of Merkle's is so unanimously approved and eagerly awaited.
At Merkle's we met up with some of the fine Perishables ladies and enjoyed some cold beverages. A critical point was almost reached when one random creeper was spotted getting a bit too friendly with some lady friends. After watching this guy for a while, it was concluded that he had come to the bar by himself and made the life choice to creep on every single girl at the bar with the hopes that at least one would be drunk enough to make some bad decisions. As we all know God loves a drunk-en potential rapist and so by some grace of His this guy did not linger too long creeping on the ladies whose honor we were obligated to defend with our fists in his face and our asses in a local jail cell. The night concluded and the pilgrimage back to Avondale began.
On Saturday night a great debate raged at Verona Red headquarters; how shall we celebrate this Easter Eve, the anniversary of the night before your Lord and mine, Jesus Christ, miraculously rose from the dead, generally creeping a lot of people out and paving the way for Verona Red, some of the great sinners of our time, to redeem their souls? Where exactly should we get drunk? After making all the requisite calls starting with people we actually wanted to see and finishing with the dregs of our cell phone lists the realization hit that most people weren't around and were in fact inexplicably (and inexcusably) spending this holiest of weekends with their families. If this night was going to be salvaged it was going to be through hard work and determination, which is just about the time that Chris suggested Stadium West.
Stadium West is a little dive bar in the less fashionable part of Avondale, only a few short steps from the Verona Red cave. It has one pool table, is lit entirely by strung up icicle lights, and the men's bathroom smells pleasantly of sandalwood and a hint of lavender. It is reputed by and large to be a hot ticket for cougars and biker chicks. And so we went with high hopes and a dream to penetrate ladies significantly past their prime and hopefully not get penetrated ourselves by the male biker counterparts that were clearly so unable to satisfy their needs. The first step in the door saw an end to that dream. The Asian lady bartender was over on the far side of the bar, chatting it up with the three patrons of the establishment (four if you include the pregnant Jack Russell terrier who seemed to be a bit drunk herself). A warm greeting there was not, homegrown local talent though we were, and we settled ourselves at the opposite end of the bar. We were close enough to the door to run in case the two beefy men decided we were too much competition to attract the attention of the slurring used-up woman who owned the dog and leave them with nothing but each other and a potentially lifestyle changing series of bad decisions. As we were hastily finishing our drinks, the phone call that salvaged the night was received and we were off to Merkle's .... and it is a sad sad night when the prospect of Merkle's is so unanimously approved and eagerly awaited.
At Merkle's we met up with some of the fine Perishables ladies and enjoyed some cold beverages. A critical point was almost reached when one random creeper was spotted getting a bit too friendly with some lady friends. After watching this guy for a while, it was concluded that he had come to the bar by himself and made the life choice to creep on every single girl at the bar with the hopes that at least one would be drunk enough to make some bad decisions. As we all know God loves a drunk-en potential rapist and so by some grace of His this guy did not linger too long creeping on the ladies whose honor we were obligated to defend with our fists in his face and our asses in a local jail cell. The night concluded and the pilgrimage back to Avondale began.
3.14.2008
Yes. we are alive
This blog was intended to be a weekly (or more) update on news, stories, or just juicy rumors regarding Verona Red. However, due to both my own laziness and the generally uninteresting lives of the members of said band, there has been a lack of activity on the blog as of late. It dried up after a whopping two entries. To be quite honest, there are a number of stories that merit telling and would certainly be entertaining, but in the interests of maintaining friendships and the fanbase in general, some of these must be kept secret. And in the interest of keeping certain band members out of prison, at least until the statutes of limitations on certain events of dubious legality are reached, some tales must be withheld until a later date. Once the band makes it big, and if they refuse to pay me the required amount, the tell-all book will disclose everything (Publishers, take note!).
But fear not, intrepid Verona Red fans and followers! If I have to make the damn stories up, there will be a blog every week from now on. I swear it on Mike's driver's license. Chris' test results, Tony's swinger status, and Taz's designer sunglasses.
But fear not, intrepid Verona Red fans and followers! If I have to make the damn stories up, there will be a blog every week from now on. I swear it on Mike's driver's license. Chris' test results, Tony's swinger status, and Taz's designer sunglasses.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)