Verona Red pledges to donate concert proceeds to polar bears

The members of Verona Red have always felt that there was more to playing music than access to a wide variety of illegal drugs and promiscuous drunk women. They also feel that, once the morning after effects of said drugs have worn off and after they have managed to kick the drunken strangers out of their bedrooms, they can use their music and the crowds that support them to help worthy causes. One of the primary focuses for the band lately has been on polar bears and the rapid diminishment of their natural hunting grounds due to global warming. Experts predict that polar bears will be extinct in less than six weeks if this trend continues. The scene they describe is heartrending: individual polar bears sadly sitting on a tiny piece of ice, drinking a Coke, just drifting off into the horizon.

Verona Red is doing what they can to prevent this. At their Wednesday show at the Bottom Lounge, they are going to donate $1,000,000 Canadian dollars for every 1,000 people that show up to support them. That's right. You heard it here first, folks. And why Canadian dollars? Where do you think polar bears live? That's right, Canada.

When asked why they are doing this, the various members all had different motivations:
Chris - "I just think it's sad. We grew up always knowing that polar bears were around and that we could go to the zoo and see them. I just want future generations to be able to admire these noble creatures as well."
Mike - "Have you ever seen these things? They're killing machines. It's crazy. All they do is kill and sleep all day, and that's a lifestyle I feel I can really get behind, you know?"

Tony - "Well... they're starving, you know? Because the ice is melting and they have nowhere to hunt. So we want to make sure that they get the money, and I hope everyone understands that we will make sure that the money goes directly to the polar bears. No beaurocracy, no red tape that leeches money from the cause. We will personally deliver the cash to the ice floes and see that the bears have it, cash in paw."
Taz - "I just figure saying I'm saving polar bears will help get me laid. Oh ... and it's, like, a tragedy."

As one can tell, it's clearly a matter very close to all their hearts for different reasons. With the changing face of the world today, it's refreshing to see that a band cares about real issues facing the environment and the natural inhabitants of this world.

So come out and support Verona Red at the Bottom Lounge this Wednesday at 11 p.m.!

Beer Heaven looks like a pretty square joint

The new Miller Lite advertising campaign about "beer heaven" is a complete joke. I understand that companies advertising their products are going to try to promote their particular brand as the best available. But the sheer arrogance of Miller Lite saying, not only is Miller Lite the sole available choice in beer heaven, but no one who drinks beer would or should ever even want a different kind of beer than a light, American style lager. That's making a judgment statement on me that I don't appreciate. It's screwing over a lot of beer aficionados who actually have broader tastes in beer than Miller Lite, which is a classy one step up from PBR, Miller High Life, and Old Style. And, to be fair, I'll take any of the three of those before Miller Lite on a given night of debauchery if only for the fifty cents it will save me.

In Beer Heaven, it's way too well lit and everyone is dressed super fancy.
It looks like the VIP room to an incredibly pompous chic club. (One of those clubs that is so fancy that the bartender can just wear a ratty t-shirt because that's how cool they are.)
The kind of club that you have to wait in line for 45 minutes unless you get lucky enough where one of the girls that's in the group either in front or behind you (because you sure haven't brought any girls) has low enough self esteem to blow the doorman so you can slide in pretending that you know her. And then God forbid you're wearing jeans or sneakers, because then the 45 minute wait was for no reason as the 'roided up bouncer with both mommy and daddy issues will tell you in no uncertain words to go home. The only uncertainty in it is trying to decipher the monosyllabic barely comprehensible grunting coming from his caveman-like lips that seem to always be approaching a slack jawed drooling. Once you finally get past that step you get to pay the $20 cover to the cashier girl who is probably the most attractive female you will see all night anyways. Once you're in, the oontzy headache forming music from the DJ who has more coke in his system than Brian Urlacher after coming out of the locker room for the second half and the seizure inducing strobe lights will serve to so completely disorient you that you'll need some seven dollar beers in your system just to feel like your life has purpose again.

In conclusion, beer heaven sucks. And while the bottles may never break, the bar stool may recline, and the pristine conditions of the bar in the commercial can seem appealing, if Miller Lite is all that is offered in Beer Heaven, I'll gladly ride my one way ticket to beer hell where I'm actually afforded a choice.

Beer Hell:

A National Solution

The November general election for the President of the United States has been a heated topic of debate and discussion for the past several months. John McCain, the 72 year old presumptive nominee for the Republican party born in the Panama Canal Zone from an unholy coupling between an American canal builder and a female brown throated three toed sloth with reputedly loose morals,

is the perfect candidate for anyone who has enjoyed the last eight years of Republican government. However, some ultra Conservative Republicans have called him a "maverick" and a "renegade" that will deviate from toeing the party line. What they don't seem to understand is that his "crazy" ways are mostly a product of the severe mental trauma that he suffered as a POW in Vietnam. The bills he has signed over his past 22 years spent as a U.S. Senator from Arizona that seemed to not coincide with Republican interests were mostly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder related incidents of him thinking he was signing an order to nuke North Vietnam.

Barack Obama presents an interesting candidate for the Democratic party. He preaches a message of change and is attempting to inspire hope in a country where a lot of the population has lost faith in its government. He should already be lauded for his accomplishments for keeping the 1/2 Methodist, 1/2 pure evil Hillary Clinton out of the running:



Although, to be fair, she will probably announce her candidacy on the "I'm Willing to Completely Destroy my own Political Party to Satisfy my Ambitions" party ticket. Obama has little political experience when put next to a candidate like John McCain, but that's like saying that a baby is a shitty serial killer when compared with Ted Bundy. The point is, you never know what kind of potential you're dealing with and the little bastard DID just light the cat on fire.

Being that the two candidates are so different on so many platforms and topics, the country seems to need a more moderate solution as a compromise. And if there's anything Verona Red knows about, it's compromise, be it integrity, morals, friends, family, etc.

So how will the four members of the band divide such a position of power amongst themselves? Rotating shifts at President. Chris Balzer, as the frontman, will be President for the first month. Mike Panagakis will be the Secretary of the Treasury. He's handled most of the band's finances up to this point, and if he can deal with quantities of money dealing in the hundreds, he can probably figure out the rest. Taz Rasheed will be the Secretary of the Interior because he likes trees. And Tony Focht will be the Secretary of Homeland Security to keep an eye on Taz and to make sure his phone is tapped. When Chris isn't president, he will be the Secretary of Labor, as he's the only band member that seems to know how to maintain a steady job.

Verona Red pledges to do everything for everybody. If you're poor, Verona Red will make you rich. If you're rich, Verona Red will ask you for band funding, but that's it. If you are against continuing the war in Iraq, Verona Red promises to withdraw the troops. If you are FOR the war, Verona Red promises to buy you a plane ticket to Iraq, a gun, and some combat boots.

So everybody, please, on the Presidential Ballot in November, make Verona Red the write-in candidate that takes this country by storm.

Verona Red - We'll rock you so hard, you'll forget that our country's a mess.

The Legend of Verona Red

Long ago a great war descended from the heavens, where bitter forgotten gods attempted a final cataclysmic culling of humanity. Torrential rains destroyed entire fields of crops, leading to widespread famine and forming floods that ravaged the countryside, and pestilence swept through the panicked populace. Four men courageously took a stand, defying the ancient gods that had condemned humanity to annihilation, and banished them from our mortal realm. Our world is their legacy, given freely by the four heroes after vanquishing the proud archaic gods. This is the legend of Verona Red.

The elder gods were cruel and despotic beings, demanding complete obeisance from their subjects. Human and animal sacrifices, exorbitant offerings and humble prayers were exacted from the cowering masses as the price for the creation of this world and the wonders within it. At one time, the gods had lived harmoniously with each other for eons numbering beyond the bounds of human comprehension. As an attempt to alleviate the monotony that perforce accompanies immortality, the gods began to create, and this was done on the canvas that became our world. One created the land, and the other gods marvelled at the elegance of the landscape. One created the sea, and they marvelled at its beauty and majesty. The forests, rivers, mountains, valleys and all manner of physical landmarks were made and each one was received with wonder and awe. From this came pride, and from pride came envy and spite.

In an effort to prove himself of higher worth than those around him, a god named Veronus created living beings to roam the earth which had been so meticulously crafted. The first creatures were small organisms but the praise given to Veros was so extravagant that he kept forming more complex creatures until he reached the peak of his abilities by creating the first humans. But he was so enamored with his own creation and ability that all the adulation given to him by the other gods was insufficient to appease his ego. He did something that he had not done with any of his other creatures - he gave them consciousness. After gifting them thusly, he descended from the heavens to the fear and dismay of humanity. Veronus told the assembly that they never need fear so long as they worship him absolutely and show due reverence. The other gods soon began interfering with this new world as well, the creator of the seas sinking ships, the creator of the pastures destroying crops until proper worship was given to the entire pantheon of gods that created the various aspects of the earth.

After centuries of worship out of fear, the gods began to become apathetic with their relationship to mankind. They seemed to view the centuries of worship as a vaguely amusing but ultimately trifling experience. Once their more direct influence on humans began to wane, temples fell into disrepair, rituals used to propitiate the gods were abandoned, and humanity began a more secular existence.

Veronus, however, had never viewed his relationship as creator and ultimate master over man as a dalliance. When the temples fell, he was wroth and his violent nature reminded the rest of the pantheon of their fall from grace in the eyes, minds and spirits of their followers. They acknowledged Veronus as their superior, their leader, and he began to foment dark thoughts of vengeance and injured pride within his subordinates. The gods inexorably worked themselves into a fervor, decrying the unrighteous faithlessness that had settled over humanity. And in their vengeful anger when these malevolent perceptions stirred their turbulent natures, they one and all deemed mankind unworthy of their beneficent creations and forthwith sentenced man to his doom.

A doom that, but for the courage of four strangers, each heroes of their own lands, but whose strength combined proved to overmatch even Veronus and the lesser gods, would have surely claimed the lives and souls of every member of the human race and destroyed the very world the gods had created in their fury.

To be continued... eventually